new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
