I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
