I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
