she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
