my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
