Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
