We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
