marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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