I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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