you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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