and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
