remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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