The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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