I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's shark week go big or go home
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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