She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
