Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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