You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
