Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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