My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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