Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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