I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
