Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
