hotel room ftw
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
