Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
