1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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