Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
