it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
