I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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