I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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