I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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