He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
