i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
