You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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