no, he came in my armpit
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
