I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
