We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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