If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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