guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Randomize
