I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I had to cum in my sink.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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