She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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