my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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