Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
