Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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