Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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