he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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