Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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