I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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