I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
