Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
