Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
