dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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