He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
